All forms of conflict management, and conflict resolution, are challenging, especially when you’re trying to achieve the holistic resolution of all issues (legal, moral, financial and human), rather than just trying to achieve a basic (financial and legal) settlement. The most challenging of all conflicts are those where some of the central issues relate to broken trust and destroyed relationships. They include partnership disputes, matrimonial breakdowns, probate disputes, family conflicts and, toughest of all, family business conflicts.
Most forms of conflict have an end point – once the issues have been resolved, or settled, you’re done. But with family conflict you’re never done, because family continues to be family, hence the need for a more holistic approach towards getting all significant issues resolved – so everyone can move on with their lives – together, in at least some form.
Standard dispute resolution processes are based on the belief that: “you can’t change the past, so let’s focus on the present, and prepare for a better future”. This doesn’t suit family conflict management, which demands to understand why things got into the state they’re now in, primarily so the resolution process can address underlying causes on the way to creating durable solutions.
Family conflict management requires time spent uncovering “family stories”, from multiple perspectives. After exhuming corpses and dragging skeletons out of closets these representations of past acts and memories need to be shared, explored, considered, discussed, resolved, and re-buried or nailed back inside their coffins or closets.
The family conflict management process requires agreement from everyone that the past can now be left behind. This is critically important otherwise, while some family members will be all too willing to bury and forget the past, others will continue to stew over unresolved events (or perceptions that are very real to them). And one day, perhaps soon, perhaps many years later, it will all come out again. Then the sensitivities and difficulties everyone has been living with for many years will be laid bare, quite possibly with catastrophic results. Avoiding this is the primary purpose for undertaking family conflict management.
The family conflict management process moves from validating, exploring, accommodating and then closing the door on the past, into the present, where it works with conflicted parties to help them agree what they will and won’t do to enjoy a better future – either together or apart.
The present needs to be addressed with a strong sense of reality. If hopes are (unreasonably) raised and then (inevitably) dashed, the situation is likely to get worse, with parties now having current proof that: (a) resolution is impossible; (b) the other party(s) are even less trustworthy than thought; (c) the situation is hopeless and we’re all *&^%$#’d (stuffed).
Since the core problems usually revolve around loss of trust, any form of resolution must include a strong focus on rebuilding at least a workable level of trust back into the family system.
Contrary to received wisdom, trust can be built quickly provided: (a) parties are willing to give it a go and (b) they can agree on specific tasks that need to be performed.
If you have those two things, it’s then all down to performance: agree on tasks that need to be performed; agree who’s going to do what, and when; perform the tasks to meet or exceed expectations; recognise satisfactory completion; translate satisfactory performance into proof of intention to do the right thing and then …. do it again, and again, and keep doing it.
Trust will grow and the family, and its business interests, will be all the better for it.
To start addressing your own family conflict please call, or contact: The Solutionist Group.