TL;DR

Sibling rivalry is common—and combustible—when it follows siblings into the family firm. Old resentments meet adult stakes (status, pay, power, succession), creating factions, stalled decisions, and delayed transitions. The fix: name the pattern, surface the history safely, reset roles and rules, and install governance that pairs care with accountability.

What We Mean by “Sibling Rivalry” (in a Business Context)

Sibling rivalry is any competitive tension between siblings—from playful one-upmanship to open conflict—that persists into adulthood. In family companies, it escalates when childhood dynamics collide with business realities: titles, remuneration, authority, recognition, and timing of leadership handover. The result can be discomfort at home, paralysis at work, and corrosion of culture.

Contributing ingredients typically include a mix of personal and systemic factors: genetics, personality differences, uneven or emotionally unavailable parenting, aggressive or “win/lose” family cultures, and homes that prized hustle over communication, collaboration, and conflict skills. Rivalry is not inherently bad—done well, it forges resilience. Done poorly, it becomes a chronic performance and succession risk.

How Sibling Rivalry Hurts the Business

Decision gridlock: Competing claims and side-channels stall or sabotage key calls.
Cultural cynicism: Staff witness double standards, politics, and factionalism.
Succession drift: Promises made in youth collide with adult performance realities.
Value slippage: “Family-first” exceptions override declared “business-first” principles.
Good-people risk: High performers disengage or leave rather than live in dysfunction.

When rivalry is amplified by protection of a weaker sibling in breach of basic fairness (see Cause #15: Broken Wing Syndrome), the damage compounds.

Sibling Rivalry Risk Check (Score 14–70; >25 = significant risk)

Score each 1 (no issue) to 5 (highly problematic):

Fair rewards & recognition: Do siblings view pay, dividends, and recognition as fair?
Role clarity: Are roles and responsibilities clear and formalised?
Accountability: Are all siblings held to the same performance consequences?
Personality friction: Do personality differences create persistent tension?
Decision authority: Do they clash over “who’s in charge” or “whose job is this”?
Succession clarity: Is future leadership clearly agreed and documented?
Succession behaviour: Any open/hidden undermining around succession?
Vision & values: Are siblings aligned on vision, values, and long-term goals?
Historical baggage: Do childhood resentments surface in adult debates?
Communication quality: Are interactions open, balanced, and respectful?
Side-channels: Do important decisions happen outside proper forums?
Parental proximity: Does anyone leverage closeness to parents for advantage?
In-law influence: Do partners/in-laws inflame (vs. defuse) conflict?
System boundaries: Are business/family boundaries and rules understood and used?

Interpretation:

0–25: Manageable tension; reinforce guardrails.
26–40: Material risk; intervene with structure and facilitation.
41–70: High risk; use independent facilitation and governance resets urgently.

Strategies & Solutions (What Actually Works)

1) Acknowledge the Problem, Fast

Name rivalry as a common cause of conflict in family firms.
Secure a commitment from key decision-makers to address it now, not “after busy season.”

2) Map the Terrain Before Prescribing

Conduct confidential 1:1 interviews with siblings, parents, and key non-family leaders.
Consider psychometric profiling to depersonalise differences and spotlight triggers.
Collate themes: history, hot-buttons, trust levels, decision bottlenecks, governance gaps.

3) Safely Surface the History

Facilitate a structured conversation to ventilate origin stories (childhood events, perceived unfairness, birth-order beliefs).
Identify one or more workable “root events” as shared narrative anchors. Objective truth is less important than shared acceptance that “this is what we’ll close.”

4) Close the Loop Like Adults

Where harm was caused (usually unintended), secure clear responsibility-taking, unreserved apologies, and practical amends (from sincere words through to concrete gestures).
The aim is not to erase the past but to neutralise its grip on present choices.

5) Reset Roles, Rules, and Consequences

Role design: Write or refresh job descriptions tied to the business plan.
KPIs & review cadence: Quarterly reviews with pre-agreed consequences for all.
Remuneration: Align to market for contribution, not surname or history.
Decision rights: Define authority with a simple RACI (who Decides/Advises/Does).
One standard: Exceptions should be rare, reasoned, and recorded.

6) Build the Right Forums (Governance Hygiene)

Family Council: Values, education, family policy, and relationship repair.
Owners’ Council/Board: Capital, risk, strategy, and CEO accountability.
Management meetings: Execution, targets, and cross-functional trade-offs.
Keep family issues out of management forums and vice versa.

7) Use an Independent Facilitator Where Needed

A skilled, neutral chair/facilitator keeps conversations safe, focused, and forward-looking, especially during succession and when rivalry is intense.

8) Codify the Social Contract

Draft or refresh a Family Constitution/Code of Conduct (values, conflict rules, entry/exit, performance standards, partner/in-law boundaries, social media, gifting, loans).
Train everyone in communication and conflict skills (listening, negotiation, problem-solving).

9) Re-commit to a Shared Future

Refresh the Family Plan (shared purpose, values, where family helps family).
Refresh the Business Plan (strategy, structure, talent, investment, timelines).
Make explicit what is family-first versus business-first, and act accordingly.

A Practical 90-Day Rivalry Reset

Days 1–15 — Diagnose

Interviews, psychometrics, and the 14-item risk check.
Map decisions, authorities, and friction points.
Agree the forums (Family Council, Board, Management) and who attends what.

Days 16–30 — Align

Facilitate history-surfacing, apologies, and amends.
Draft/refresh roles, KPIs, remuneration principles, and decision rights (RACI).
Draft a lightweight Code of Conduct for interactions and dispute handling.

Days 31–60 — Implement

Put people into clarified roles; start KPI tracking and monthly operating rhythm.
Train siblings/leaders in crucial conversations and conflict tools.
Establish a no side-channels rule for material decisions.

Days 61–90 — Review & Lock

First formal KPI and behaviour review; apply pre-agreed consequences.
Finalise Family Constitution sections related to conflict, succession, and employment.
Communicate the new “one-standard” expectations to the wider team.

Guardrails & Pitfalls

Don’t therapise in the boardroom. Use the right forum for the right issue.
Speed matters—but so does stability. Move fast enough to protect the business, steady enough to keep people regulated.
Beware stealth exceptions. They’re culture-killers; staff watch where rules bend.
Keep partners/in-laws respectful and bounded. Influence is natural; authority belongs in the agreed forums.
Link every change to strategy. Rivalry solutions must serve the business plan, not just the family story.

FAQ

Is rivalry always bad?
No. Constructive rivalry forges skills and drive. It becomes destructive when it overrides governance, fairness, and execution.

Can’t we just separate siblings?
Sometimes role separation helps, but without rules, reviews, and consequences, conflict simply relocates.

What if apologies aren’t forthcoming?
You can still proceed by naming impacts, setting clear standards, and making roles and consequences explicit. Reconciliation helps; accountability is non-negotiable.

How does this connect to BWS (Cause #15)?
When a protected sibling is carried despite poor performance, rivalry intensifies and the culture corrodes faster. Treat both patterns together: capability + fairness + governance.

Outcomes You Can Expect

A shared narrative that closes the past without denying it.
Clear roles and one standard, reducing politics and side-channels.
Faster decisions, steadier performance, and credible succession.
A family culture that pairs care with accountability, protecting both relationships and returns.

Taken from the up coming book:

“Family Business” … makes no sense!

(60 Common Causes of Family Business Conflict, and how to deal with them)

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Posted in 50 Common Causes of Family Business Conflict… and how to deal with them